"A" had been reared in a Christian home. His parents were always active in their church. "A" was taken to church from the time he was a babe in arms. His dad was a deacon (had served as chair of the deacons). His mother was a leader in the women's work. In the natural course of things "A" felt the moving of the Spirit in his life and one night at a revival service he responded to the invitation and accepted Christ as his personal savior. "A" was 8 years old at the time. His conversion was genuine as evidenced by the change in his life. His commitment to Christ and the church continued to grow. "A" was active in all the youth activities, went to youth camp, attended the retreats and Bible studies. In fact he became something of a leader in the youth work at his church. He frequently invited unchurched friends to the youth activities and some were won to the Lord through his influence.
As he entered high school and puberty, everything seemed normal. Life was good. He enjoyed school, his friends, and all the activities that young boys enjoy. Eventually he began to notice that some of his friends seemed to be getting "girl crazy." It just seemed silly to him. He was just not ready for that kind of thing. His parents agreed. He was too young to date. He didn't need to get serious. There are so many dangers when young boys get mixed up with girls. It was just better that way. "A" remained active in the youth group. It was the main part of his social life.
Eventually some things happened which began to scare "A". Other guys seemed to be much more aware of girls than he was. They would notice things that he didn't notice. They would say things like, "Whoa, did you see the knockers on that one." "A" realized he had been looking at the muscles on her boyfriend. One day he and some friends were driving down the street and a girl in a two piece bathing suit was sunbathing in the backyard of one of the houses. His friends went nuts. "A" had been looking at a roofer with his shirt off working on the roof of a house across the street and didn't see her at all.
By this time "A" was 16. Some of his friends were going steady. Many of them even in the youth group were into "heavy petting." "A" tried dating. He had to force himself to go out with a girl. He tried kissing but it just scared him and made him sick to his stomach. He was starting to get scared. He tried to stimulate his interest in girls by buying Playboy magazine. He tried using it to masturbate. The problem was, what turned him on wasn't the nude playgirl but the Marlboro man in the cigarette ad on the next page. At one point he asked a girl out who had a reputation for being easy. He tried to have sex with her but could not.
"A" was determined he was not going to be a homosexual. For the next six years he fought it. He was frightened, embarrassed, ashamed. He prayed. He rededicated his life. He worked harder in the church. Finally in desperation he went to his pastor in confidence. The pastor prayed with him and assured him that if he just prayed and had enough faith, the Lord would deliver him from this thing. The pastor also assured him that the Bible is very clear that homosexuality is a sin and that he needed to get this thing out of his life as soon as possible. "A" took the pastor at his word. He prayed for deliverance. He believed. He went forward at the next service an recommitted himself to the Lord. He prayed believing. He was sure that the Lord would not let him down. He sincerely wanted to change. He knew that he could not be a homosexual, that the Lord would not leave him in sin when he truly wished to be a heterosexual. Nothing happened.
Finally, he went to his parents. They were destroyed. They told him if he just prayed and had enough faith that the Lord would deliver him from this curse. They prayed with him. Nothing happened.
The day "A" came to me, he had called his sister, long distance, to tell her he was a homosexual. She told him not to call anymore. That if he was a homosexual, then she had no brother.
My first question to "A" was, "Are you still saved." He said, "I don't know." I asked, "Do you believe Jesus is the Son of God." He said yes without hesitating. "Do you believe that Jesus came to earth to die for your sins?" Once again he could unhesitatingly say yes. I then assured him that he was a Christian, that whatever was happening in his life, Christ was still there in his heart and that Christ still loved him.
I then tried to assure him that just because his prayer to change had not been answered, it did not mean that God had abandoned him. "A" and I met several times over the next weeks. It gave me a chance to do my homework.
What I found is that heterosexual-homosexual attachment varies on a continuum. Most people are exclusively heterosexual, some (about 1%) are exclusively homosexual and some (about 3%-4%) have various degrees of heterosexual-homosexual attachment in between. About 1% of the population are exclusive homosexuals. These individuals, like "A", never develop normal heterosexual attachment. Efforts to change the sexual orientation of these individuals are virtually useless. No counseling or psychotherapeutic technique is effective in changing the sexual orientation of these individuals. I assured "A" that his experience was typical for this group and that he was likely going to be a life-long homosexual.
"A" had heard about programs such as those promoted by the Family Research Counsel and certain denominational groups, which report a high degree of success in helping homosexuals change their sexual orientation. What successes these programs have had, have been with individuals whose sexual attachment is somewhat mixed. Even then, long term follow up studies indicate that relatively few of these individuals remain heterosexual for the rest of their lives. Many of them return to a homosexual lifestyle after some period of time. In addition, the individuals who do adopt a heterosexual lifestyle, do not adjust to it particularly well. For example, homosexuals who adopt a heterosexual lifestyle, get married, and father children, frequently report that they are only able to function sexually with their opposite sex partner by using autoerotic or homosexual fantasies to keep themselves aroused.
"A's" questions still were unanswered. What should he do? In our discussions we decided that he was a Christian. What should a Christian homosexual do? We decided that a Christian homosexual was first a Christian. What is every Christian supposed to do? Christians are supposed to live like Christ. How did Christ live? Christ lived a life of unselfish love. He sought out those who were hurting and ministered to them. Everywhere he went he worked to alleviate peoples suffering. He encouraged everyone he met to change his or her life to eliminate those things which cause suffering (sin). Can a Christian homosexual serve others? Yes, definitely. A Christian homosexual is uniquely positioned to minister to the homosexual community. How many AIDS victims could be led to Christ by a Christian willing to visit them, bring them supplies, help them with chores, etc.? How much suffering in the homosexual community is brought about by the rampant promiscuity which characterizes a large segment of the homosexual community?
We concluded that what the Lord wanted "A" to do was to be the best Christian homosexual he could be. To show the love of Christ in his life. It is clear that with all the prejudice this would be a tremendous challenge. But we can claim the promise of Scripture, ". . . God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what your are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it." (I Corinthians 10:13, NASB). I encouraged "A" to find a Church which had a ministry to homosexuals and associate himself with that group of fellow believers. There was a Community Church in the city where he was going to work on his doctorate. Last time I heard from him, he was involved with such a group but his doctoral studies were keeping him from being very active.
We must continue to pray for "A" and others like him.
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Copyright © 1999 Steve Falkenberg